An Announcement.

We have an announcement to make.  We’ve had a lot of fun running this blog, we’ve really enjoyed it.  There’s been laughter, tears, fun, frustration, bewilderment and ineptitude.   We've had a terrific response from readers too.  Nothing lasts forever though, and we've decided that 7reasons-sevenreasons.blogspot.com has run its course and that it's time for us to grow up and move on, so we're closing this blog with immediate effect.

For more information on the reasons behind the closure, go here.

7 Reasons Why Songwriting Is Easy

1.  Tackle Dangerous Ground. You can take two areas that should just not work together, i.e.: sex and fire, and merge them. You couldn't show two people having a fondle on a bonfire in a TV show, but you can write a song called Sex On Fire and it's fine.

2.  Huge Creative License. You can call something something when it's not actually that something. Alanis Morissette's Ironic for example. “It's like rain on your wedding day.” This is not ironic. It's unlucky. Or to be expected if you book your wedding for a Tuesday afternoon in January. It always rains on a Tuesday afternoon in January.

3.  Endorse Nonsense. You can write things that don't make sense and never will make sense. Yet listeners will spend ages being confused by them. “Are we human or are we dancer?” I haven't got a clue what Brandon Flowers is on about. And are the two things really mutually exclusive? Can't we be a human who dances? Or is he suggesting we're puppets? I am no puppet Flowers. I'm going to go and listen to Coldplay. 

4.  Lack Genius. You can be a simpleton and write a song. No offence to Lady Gaga, but I am pretty sure I came up with the lyrics to Bad Romance when I was about two months old. “Rah-rah-ah-ah-ah-ah! Roma-roma-mamaa! Ga-ga-ooh-la-la! Want your bad romance.” Just shut up you silly, silly woman.

5.  Promote Drugs. You can tell people what it's like to be addicted to drugs and, in the process, make it sound awesome. “We skipped a light fandango. Turned cartwheels cross the floor. I was feeling kind of seasick. But the crowd called out for more.” Whatever Procol Harum were on, I want some.

6.  Promote Drugs. You can tell people what it's like to be addicted to drugs and, in the process, make it sound bloody awful. “I am the eggman. They are the eggman. I am the walrus. Goo Goo g'joob.” Whatever The Beatles were on, I don't want to go anywhere near it.

7.  Promote Sex. And more to the point, promote extramarital sex. All you have to do is write the lyrics in French and get the singer to have an orgasm at the end of the song. Then Bingo! There is your hit. Between you and me I think Jane Birkin was faking it though. Je vais et je viens, entre tes reins.

7 Reasons You Will Win The Pub Quiz

1.  You know that in 1975 there was a number one single whose title wasn't in the lyrics. Bohemian Rhapsody. And you know this was replaced at number one by the song whose title was a lyric in Bohemian Rhapsody. Mamma Mia.

2.  You know which area of London has six consecutive consonants in its name? Knightsbridge.

3.  You know which member of your family is an anagram of 'Woman Hitler'. Mother-in-law.

4.  You know which Nobel Literature laureate wrote for the Dick Emery Show. Harold Pinter.

5.  You know which country has won the most Wimbledon men's singles title. Great Britain.

6.  You know which two bands from the 60's and 70's are named after sperm. The Lovin' Spoonful and 10cc.

7.  Like me you have a copy of Esquire on your lap and are cheating. Not just everyone else but yourself. And you couldn't care less.

7 Reasons To Like Doors

1.  The bedroom door.  No matter what age you are, whether you share it or are its sole occupant, your bedroom is a private place to do private things.  Whether you are a teenage boy practising your faces in the mirror, a thirty year old man playing World of Warcraft on his computer or a fully grown woman singing-along into her hairbrush, your privacy is protected by the door.  If it weren't for the door your siblings, parents, children, housemates and curious pets would be free to spectate on, or join in with, your bedroom activities.  Hurrah for the bedroom door.


2.  The bedroom door.  If there were no doors then your parents' bedroom would be open.  There is nothing that happens in there that you should have to witness.  Nothing.  Not ever.  Never.  No.


3.  Locks.  If there were no doors, there would be no door-locks.  They deter burglars, vandals, squatters and perverts from entering your house.  Also, the ability to retain keys is what separates us from the animals, and from my friend Rachel.


4.  Slamming.  Slamming the door on your way out is like adding an exclamation-mark to a furious exit; without doors you'd have to shout "pow" or kick the wall.  This wouldn't be as effective and you might feel silly.


5.  The Doors.  Without doors, The Doors would have been called The, which would have been rubbish.  It would also have confused fans of The The - and me.


6.  Knocking.  If there were no front doors, there would be nothing for the pizza-delivery-man to knock on and many Americans would starve to death...eventually.


7.  The wardrobe door.  If there were no doors, your wardrobe would be open and the contents would be visible.  Is there a more effective way to repel a new lover than letting them glimpse the saggy jogging-bottoms and moth-eaten, bobbly cardigan that you wear around the house?  Without the wardrobe door, your new suitor would be able to see the future and you would be single forever.


Leaving a comment is like providing a window to your soul.  We like windows.  

7 Reasons People Love Lists

1.  Order. Your life is busy. You just have so many things to do. So many things that, sometimes, you forget to pack your knickers or eat more than spaghetti hoops all day. A list is a cure. It brings order to the chaos of your mind. You won't embarrass yourself again. 


2.  Stationery. A list gives you a chance to use those highlighters your grandparents bought you five years ago. And the A4 pad. And the gold star stickers. And the 23 pencils. And the car shaped pencil sharpener that has moving wheels. And the book, How To Write The Perfect List.


3.  Format. 'The Nation's 50 Favourite Types of Sock' will easily take up an hour of Channel 4's schedule or a six page spread in Haberdashery Monthly. Why waste time doing something that will involve thinking? Lists are a part of 'Broken Britain' and we should be proud about that.


4.  Focus. You can prioritise what needs doing. 1 - Watch the rugby. 2 - Watch the wife do the ironing. 3 - Mend the iron.


5.  Targets. History shows that if you write your targets down when you are a young whippersnapper, they will more often than not be accomplished. Think about it. Benjamin Franklin had targets. Jonny Wilkinson had targets. Jack The Ripper had targets. Exactly.


6.  Throwing. Is there a better feeling than screwing up a now completed list and chucking it across the room towards the bin? Absolutely not. Especially when your boss walks into the trajectory of its flight and it lands in his coffee, splashing hot liquid all over his shirt and causing first degree burns on his stupid Mickey Mouse tie.


7.  Prevention. Drawing up a list stops us getting on with what we should be doing. And as that's picking up next door's children from the swimming pool, it's good thing. They're ugly and should not be seen anywhere near a 1998 Volvo Estate.

7 Reasons Carla Bruni Should Replace Nicolas Sarkozy as French President

1.  The stamps would look much, much better.


2.  The President would be visible when speaking from behind a lectern and would no longer need to wear high heels.


3.  Paris-Match magazine wouldn't need to photoshop the President's holiday pictures.

 

We're not sure why they turned him pink.

4.  Angela Merkel would have someone to go to the toilet with at EU summit meetings.  We still don't understand why women do that (Go to the toilet together, that is.  We're fairly certain we know why women go to the toilet).


5.  Less Presidential time would be wasted jogging.  Look at him, stumbling along in her wake.  If she wasn't being held back by a wheezing short-arse she could probably finish the run in half the time.  This would leave more time for doing important President-y stuff and having a long lunch (it is the French presidency, after all).

6.  As President, Carla Bruni would have less time to devote to her "singing" career.


7.  More of a picture than a reason, but a convincing argument, nonetheless.  She's French, you know.

Do you have additional reasons, perhaps even sensible ones?  Use the comments section.

7 Reasons TV Adverts Annoy Us

1.  Interruptions. Let's start with the obvious. Ads interrupt programmes. And just when you are getting into them as well. Now you have to wait five minutes to see if the bloke is dead or not. Then you find out he isn't and curse the show for being unrealistic. He shot him in the head for goodness sake.


2.  Voiceovers. That famous bloke is doing the voiceover for a financial advert. You just can't place the voice. You spend the whole evening trying to work out who it is. You can't sleep. You are tired the next day. The presentation goes badly. You get fired.


3.  False Advertising. Some of the claims that adverts make are quite frankly bollocks. Take Gaviscon for example. 'Oh no! I have heartburn. I won't be able to save the stranded hiker using my rescue helicopter. I know! I'll have some Gaviscon. That's much better. Now I can save lives.'


4.  Michael Winner. If Michael Winner is not annoying enough, it's his bloody stupid catchphrase, "Don't worry dear, it's a commercial". Twat.


5.  Dubbing. It's an advert for some sort of grooming product. Probably a razor. Or Just For Men. The gaudy font clearly shows it's an American advert, so why have they employed some Brits to dub over the top? And why does it never sync properly? It's just very, very poor workmanship.


6.  They're loud. Because everyone knows we go to the kitchen during the break, the ads are 50db louder than the show you are watching. Naturally, you turn the volume down as the adverts start. When you get back in the room you forget to turn it up again though. As a result you miss the really important conversation that explains how Inspector Frost knew the murderer was the one with the wooden leg and the false eye lashes.


7.  They can't keep it real. Not all adverts are bad. The spectacular Nicole and Papa ads for Renault Clio had the British public on tenterhooks. I don't know how many Renault Clio's were actually sold, but that is hardly the point. Nicole was fit. As this - one of the first ads in the series - proves.





As the series went on we fell in love. With Nicole, Papa and the Clios. So much so that 23 million of us tuned in for this - the final outing. But, of course, the advertising agency just had to ruin it for us didn't they?





Reeves and Mortimer? What the hell were they thinking? A nation mourned and Nicole ended up working for Rover. She was made redundant in 2004 and now sells ice-cream from the back of a burger van.*


*This is not true.


I feel much better now. Amazing to think I used to be in advertising really